Big data cracks elusive Bible code


Cambridge, Mass.— Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology report that they have solved an ancient mystery. Using “big data” algorithms, a team of computer scientists, mathematicians, and Biblical Hebrew scholars were able to decode the secret meanings of the Old Testament.

“For as long as man has existed, he has searched for patterns in the natural world,” Professor Dieter Bohenzahler, who led the study, said, using exclusively male-gendered pronouns, as if men were the only people capable of thought. “When he first looked at the night sky, he developed astrology. When he first beheld the body, he developed humoral theories of medicine.” The scientific method, Bohenzahler argues, changed our inaccurate pictures of astronomy and anatomy into our contemporary, correct ones. “Without the telescope, ancient man could not properly develop astronomical theory. Without machine learning algorithms like neural networks, man could not, until today, develop a scientifically sound numerology.”

The discovery promises untold spiritual benefits for those who control the data. Press releases from other research groups studying “big bibliomancy” at Caltech in California and the École polytechnique fédérale de Lausanne (EPFL) in Switzerland have led to speculation that the Bible codes might include information on the fate and location of King Solomon’s Mines, the city of Atlantis, and the Fountain of Youth.

MIT’s technology transfer office made no comment about the purported discovery, but a graduate student familiar with the project, who asked to to identified only as “Pythagoras”, related that, “This is definitely going to be spun out into a start-up. We’re talking about a major disruption to the divination industry.”